lol you are funny thanks bro I'll take you to a strip club
I don't wanna go to a strip club I'd rather get my boobs free or earn them from a series of good deeds
Ha! What's wrong with that? Hard work deserves compensation. I accept cash, checks, and boobies!
margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
