When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
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