I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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