So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Randomize
