if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
