There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Randomize
