Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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