I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Randomize
