I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
