today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
