I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Randomize
