i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
