there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
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My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
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I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
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