Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
