Pregnant stripper...not hot.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
