wrigley field is MILF paradise
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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