I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
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