Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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