i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
