im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
