im having a threesome with these popsicles
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
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