Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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