i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
