Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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