I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
