i love accidental penises.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Randomize
