I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
