Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
