This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
