good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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