my phone needs a breathalizer
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
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