New low: just hacked my moms facebook
so how does one go about finding a summer fling?
take advantage of an intern
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
You pole danced in your parka.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Randomize
