Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Randomize
