Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
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