white trash or talent: driving, 1 hand on the wheel, 1 holding a cell phone & talking & smoking without using hands..in an old beater pickup..
Both
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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