you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
