I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
