i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Randomize
