i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
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