He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
