I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
