Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Randomize
