i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
