I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Randomize
