Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Randomize
