I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
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