I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I met the friendliest cop last night
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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