Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
