So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
