I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
