I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
