My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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