Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Randomize
