I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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