I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
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