im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
