I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
