I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
