It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Randomize
