I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
