I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Randomize
