'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
