Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
