when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Randomize
